5 things I’m doing to survive summer with my Stepkids
Schools out and everyone is in full on summer mode. Our schedules have been much more relaxed, and not as hurried, although with 3 Stepkids we have been staying active. On the one hand I’m enjoying the slower mornings, no homework, and not feeling pressure to get the kids to all their activities (we also take the summer off from sports). On the other, structure, routine, and certainty are welcome in my world, particularly when it comes to my Stepkids. Here is how I’m surviving the summer:
1) Make myself a priority
I’m taking time for myself. I’m prioritizing my walks, exercise, and connecting with friends and colleagues. I’m reaching for connection from my partner when I need time with him. I’m setting my limits for what I can and can’t do based off of my schedule and energy level. Sometimes that means I say no to making dinner, or I ask my partner to drive the kids when I typically help out.
2) Checking my expectations
I’m being realistic about what I want my summer to look like and how it will go. The kids might feel bored or be tired because they went to bed later than usual. They might be overstimulated from a camp activity. On transition days, I’m mindful they adjusting back to our house. I’m not being unreasonable with summer plans or how I think the kids might behave, and trust me, there are times I need to practice my empathy and put myself in there shoes. What might be going on for them? I notice when I have expectations for myself or how things will go, it just sets me up for more disappointment. So I’m remaining flexible and open to changes that the summer might bring. If something is important to me, I’ll voice it. If I can be flexible, I let things unfold how they will.
3) Making time for family time
Family time helps to promote a sense of togetherness and during the summer we take a break from sports and school activities, which allows us more time together. Without the rush of taking them to and from all the activities everyday of the week, we have more opportunity to be together. In Stepfamily dynamics being all together can also be polarizing leaving my husband as the insider and me the outsider when we are all together. I’m aware of when I might be feeling left out (like if all the kids are playing in the pool with my husband and I’m on the pool deck or at home) and I’m taking action to make myself a part of things when it feels appropriate and also letting my husband and kids have their time for connection. I’m mindful that the kids need time with just there Dad, and taking care of myself (like doing something I enjoy) when it touches a sensitive spot for me. Activities that my family typically enjoyed together are homemade family dinners at the table, going to the beach, or going to the pool. As the oldest is heading into her teenage years, it get’s trickier to find things that all the kids like to do, but these are some of the activities we usually all enjoy together. We don’t have any trips scheduled yet, but will plan a camping trip sometimes in the near future.
4) Practice empathy and compassion
In my personal journey through Stepmotherhood I notice a critical voice that pops into my head that says “You’re not doing enough” or “You’re falling short” or “You just messed up big time”. Sometimes it shows up in what I expect my stepkids to say or respond to in certain situations and sometimes it pops up in more unexpected ways that I don’t anticipate. Whenever the critical voice pops up it is a signal that I need to practice more empathy for myself and others. When I practice empathy, and really put myself in their shoes I reflect on “what is it like for them to be in this situation?”. I practice self-compassion by talking gently to myself with phrases like “Of course this is hard, and I’m doing the best I can” or “I’m learning and growing everyday” and “every situation is repairable”.
5) Reaching for Connection with my husband
Spending time connecting with my husband is SO important for me. We drink coffee together in the mornings, and find time to unwind together at night, usually watching a show or debriefing our day together. Planning date nights when it’s not our custodial time with the kids is also important for us as a Stepcouple to enjoy our time together and experience new things. We are consistent and prioritize our date nights! We both enjoy a nice dinner one of our favorite restaurants or trying out a new spot. We also enjoy long walks, sitting at the park, or going to the beach (just him and I). It’s a must in our book to schedule this date time together. It helps us stay solid and enjoy time with my husband and I without our Stepchildren present.
Maintaining an ongoing schedule to manage stress and focusing on what you are needing can help you navigate your role in Stepmotherhood. Self-care is an important part of taking care of yourself and your own needs, especially through summer. To download your Free Stepmom Self-Care checklist click here.
Have specific questions when it comes to coping with Stepmom life? I would love to hear from you. Feel free to email what’s leaving you feeling activated at thestepmomsocial@gmail.com.
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