Stepmom, if you are feeling like an outsider in your Stepfamily, read this.

You feel stuck on the outside of your family.

You feel alone.

You have moments where things feel awkward around your Stepkids.

It doesn’t quite feel like your own house. 

When the Stepkids are with you, there is always a slight underlying feeling of tension or discomfort. 

You have made an effort to involve yourself with the kid’s stuff. 

You have taken over, cooking meals, helping the kids with homework, taking them to and from their activities.

And you still feel like things don’t mesh. Like you aren’t quite ‘blending’.

When your Stepkid comes into the room, they seek your husband’s attention, and ultimately, your partner turns away from you to tend to their child. Leaving you feeling sidelined, yet again. 

It comes up in subtle ways and in big ways. It’s hard to feel this way so often. With family, it’s supposed to come easily, right? To feel normal and peaceful in a shared space. 

That’s not always the case when you are a Stepmother.

It can leave a Stepmom feeling dysregulated. Particularly, if she has had past experiences or a history of trauma that left her feeling left out, forgotten, overlooked, or like the outcast of the family.

Being an outsider is a common feeling for Stepmothers. To feel left out, unimportant, and unacknowledged, even when they put in the energy and effort to ‘fit in’ to their Stepfamily. 

It can feel particularly draining for a women to invest her energy and effort into something that is not reciprocated. 

Parent’s feel unacknowledged and unappreciated by their kids at times. However, parents have a long standing attachment history and a sense of connection that helps carry them through the more stressful times and the times they feel unappreciated.

Stepmom’s who don’t have that long standing attachment history (spoiler alert: it’s a good majority of Stepmoms) and connection, even if they met their Stepkids at a young age, can experience feelings of resentment, jealousy, feel overlooked and unappreciated for their efforts.

As Patricia Papernow puts it in her book Surviving and Thriving Stepfamily Relationships, “the challenges created by Stepfamily structure are most intense when the whole family is together”. 

So What is a Stepmom do to when she feels like an outsider?

1. Check in with yourself - What is it that left you feeling triggered. What feeling can you acknowledge and hold compassion for yourself in this moment? What are you needing? Checking in with yourself allows you to identify what it is that is bugging you and understand what you need to move forward.

2. Let your husband know what’s going on for you- get good at communicating with each other. Having communication with your partner helps to navigate the role that each of you play in your Stepfamily and support one another.

3. Take time to focus on yourself- this is a good opportunity for you to engage in self-care. Take a bath, plan a meeting with a friend, or do something that feels replenishing for you. Sometimes shifting our focus on to what we can control helps to ease the frustrations of Stepfamily life.

4. Plan time to connect with your stepkid. One-on one time is best to build a relationship and feel more connected to your Stepkids. With one-on-one meetings, it also helps to ease the feelings of being on the outside. 

5. Set boundaries that work for your household- Set rules and routines that you and your Stepkids can expect- examples could be connecting with your husband in the AM or PM when the kids are in bed or at school. No kids allowed in the bedroom etc. With routine, it’s helpful to know how things will go so that you can plan what to do with your own time or when your or your husbands time will be dedicated to the kids. Knowing what’s going on for your Stepfamily creates structure to allow you Stepfamily to thrive so that it doesn’t leave you feeling like an outsider with unexpected additions to the schedule. 

6. Have empathy for your Stepfamily- Stepfamily life can be difficult for children and adults at times. Remember that sometimes what might be a happy and exciting time for adults in Stepfamilies (particularly early on) can be a change or adjustment for Stepkids. Each person in your Stepfamily is experiencing things through their own lens, so being gentle to yourself and your family helps to soften tense moments.

7. Find a Stepmom group, Therapist or coach who gets it- Find a therapist or coach that has experience working with Stepfamilies so that you can identify you pain points and find a way to cope with feeling alone in your role and on the outside of your family. 

Stepfamily life can be tough but it is possible to navigate the challenges and do so in a way that benefits you and your Stepfamily dynamic.