Understanding Resentment in Stepmotherhood: Causes, Signs, and Support
And What To Do About It
If you’ve every asked yourself, why do I feel so burnt out as a Stepmom? Why do I resent being a Stepmom? Is it normal to feel this way? What do I do if I have resentment as a Stepmom? Why am I always the one always doing _____? This blog is for you. So many Stepmoms feel overlooked, insignificant, burnt out, overwhelmed, and emotionally depleted. You aren’t broken and nothing is wrong with you for feeling this way. Let’s take a look into what those feelings mean, and what might be coming up for you.
So let’s dive into what resentment is and why it comes up for Stepmoms. A quick google search of resentment will describe resentment as “ a complex, long-lasting emotional response, involving bitterness, anger, and disappointment, often triggered by feeling wronged, treated unfairly, or having boundaries violated”.
So why does resentment show up for Stepmoms?
Resentment can show up for many reasons that I'll explain more of throughout this blog article but the common sources of resentment for Stepmoms that I hear as a Therapist for Stepmoms and Coach for Stepmoms tend to be the following:
Taking on too much in her role. She feels under appreciated and emotionally depleted.
Feeling responsible for her Stepchildren in a way that feels unequal or unfair (particularly because a Stepmom doesn’t have the same bond with her Stepchild that her husband does).
Feeling like her needs aren’t getting met or something has been taken away from her because of the Stepfamily dynamic (for example: sharing her husband’s attention with the Stepkids, a difficult ex, court cases that create conflict and stress, or the messiness and chaos that comes from Stepfamily life and can make things so much more challenging).
Stepmom’s often find themselves feeling resentful because the have the pressure of being a “good mother”, without the benefits of being a Mother. They are often tasked with the child-rearing and care-taking responsibilities in her family that a natural mother would. However, without the bond to her Stepchildren and the fulfillment that a Mother would feel towards her own children.
Disappointment that leads to feelings of grief. No one can fully prepare you for what the Stepmothering role will be like. The visions and hopes that you once had fade and the reality and stress of blended family life takes shape. A lot of Stepmom’s envisioned married life being different and she envisioned the firsts, the connection with her husband, and family bonding being what you would expect in a first time union. A Stepmom usually grieves those expectations as Stepfamily life progresses.
A protection against more vulnerable feelings. Resentment can be a protection or armor from more vulnerable feelings that she has or has not expressed to her partner. There might have been an experience a Stepmom has had of it not being safe to express her more vulnerable feelings or her disappointment from expressing these vulnerable feelings and left her resigned to sharing them with her husband or others.
Resentment can build up over time and cause emotional upset, bitterness, and frustration and even manifest into physical symptoms in the body, like irritability, anxiety, tension, increased blood pressure, headaches, or cause your body to go into a state of fight-or-flight in response to stressful events. It can also cause disconnect in your relationships and show up as avoidance, withdrawal, passive aggression, or keeping score.
Feelings of resentment can also be unexpressed expectations that aren’t acknowledged and lead to disappointment or unmet needs. It can also be an issue or event that continues to come up for a Stepmom that produces hurt feelings and touches on pain her pain points.
Why is it common for Stepmoms to feel this way?
Power differentials, unclear boundaries, ambiguous role expectations, unexpressed expectations, the pressure to be a “good mother” in society, wanting to be a support to her husband and her Stepkids, needing to prove her worth, and taking on a lot of caretaking and responsibility that in the long run leaves her feeling drained, unappreciated, burnt out and/or resentful. High conflict scenarios, custody cases, and difficult relationships with Stepchildren, lack of support from her husband, can all bring up feelings resentment.
Do things feel unbalanced or uneven?
A Stepmom comes into the family who already has a way of being and doing things before she entered the picture. Stepfamilies are unique in that both adults in the relationship don’t have a history of attachment with all the children in a Stepfamily dynamic, leaving things feeling unbalanced or uneven from the start as they children will typically tend to go to their Dad for their needs and if they do go to Stepmom the missing history of attachment can leave her feeling take for granted, under-appreciated, and easily feeling on the outside of her family system. Because of this, it can leave the Stepparent feeling depleted or resentful for having to take on tasks that can be stressful and more so if they find themselves taking on the brunt of caretaking or parenting role with their Stepkids.
Grief and Acceptance
The feelings of disapointment that a Stepmother experiences can also indicate feelings of grief or sadness. A grief for the loss of an idea, hope, expectation, or future a Stepmom had hoped for. Sadness over feeling on the outside, being left out, or feeling insignificant. Moving through feelings of grief can feel difficult, especially when they feel heavy and sit on your heart, or when something painful continuously appears. Acknowledging these feelings of grief and sadness, accepting that these feelings are part of how things are different than you had expected, and learn to show up according to your values can help a Stepmom move past these feelings or resentment.
The power imbalance
Power differentials: In a Stepfamily a Stepmom doesn’t hold as much “power” or say in decisions and discipline with her Stepchildren. Because of this she may not have the ability to set new rules or boundaries with her Stepkids, and she has to depend on her husband to enforce rules and limits with her Stepchildren (Stepparents fare better when they stick to house rules and limits). She can be a supportive role, but she doesn’t have the final say when it comes to certain parenting decisions. Power differentials particularly exist for women who don’t bring their own children into the relationship, because time, attention, finances, and other resources will be skewed towards one side of the family and it will feel uneven. This can leave a Stepmom feeling powerless, particularly if she isn’t feeling heard or supported by her partner and resentment can build from here. If she does bring her own children into the relationship, it helps to balance the dynamics since time, attention, finances, and resources are likely to be given to her own children as well.
How to move through it:
Identify Where the Resentment is coming from
Reflect on what you are feeling resentful over. Is it something you can make changes to yourself or do you need to communicate to your husband (or another loved one in your life)? What need of your’s doesn’t feel like it’s getting met because of what’s going on? What would you hope for your partner to know? If it’s hard to reflect on where the resentment is coming from, working with a Coach or Therapist can be useful in getting to the bottom of what is causing your feelings of resentment.
Check Your Expectations
Examining if your expectations are reasonable for the situation helps to mitigate possible feelings of disappointment and to get clear on what is really important to you. It’s not possible to have people do everything that you want them to do however, their might be something important to you that fills a needs of yours. Consider what is a reasonable expectation.
Identify what needs of yours aren’t being met
When your needs aren’t met, that’s when resentment can build and it can leave you feeling physically tense or dysregulated. When I work with my clients we usually look at what type of activities did they do before becoming a Stepmom. What are your interests, what inspires you? I also like to talk about the different love languages. Are you getting time to connect with your partner in the way that you feel fulfilled and important? Quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch, gift giving, and acts of service. What ways do you feel loved and give love and what about your husband? Does it feel like you are having couples time to feel connected? Do you feel like you are being heard by your husband? Do you feel like you have autonomy as a Stepmom or in other areas of your life that are fulfilling? Are you feeling considered?
Communicate Your Needs
Resentment can be unexpressed expectations so it’s important to remember to communicate your needs, wishes or expectations to your husband. It’s important for him to know what’s important to you and what you might be needing from him in a direct way. “I” statements are one of my favorite communication tools. This is the handout I share with my clients looking to improve their communication tools.
Set boundaries that are sustainable
A lot of Stepmoms feel the internal pressure of needing to be a good mother, wanting to be helpful, and wanting to find a place and be useful in her Stepfamily. Sometimes she takes on so much that it’s not sustainable and leaves her feelings burntout and resentful. It’s also a common place the Stepfamilies get stuck, since in first time families the Mother is typically the one handling the care taking, that doesn’t usually work well in blended families. If a Stepmom finds herself feeling burnt out, depleted, and resentful or that her being in the caretaking role leaves add to tension and conflict in her relationship with her Stepchildren its a good indicator that a shift needs to happen, such as her taking a step back and leading her husband take the lead with responsibilities with her Stepkids. It takes concerted effort on you and your husband’s part to do things differently, to communicate thoughts and feelings, and to figure out what needs to change in order for your Stepfamily to function in a healthier manner and to account for everyone’s needs. Consider, what boundaries do you need to set for yourself, your husband, or your Stepkids? This could look like having your husband support more around dinner time, homework, or bedtime routines, or having him pick your Stepkids up from school or take them to their activities. In what areas do you imagine you would like to set more boundaries that feel sustainable for you?
Practice Forgiveness and Gratitude
Practice accepting the situation as it is, without having to change it, and forgiving the people or situations that have hurt you or felt unfair. This helps free you of of the need for control to be okay and allows you to move on. Practicing gratitude helps to build appreciation for what is going well and enhances you overall sense of well being.
What is the feeling protecting?
Notice if the feelings of resentment you hold are protecting you from something. Is the anger or frustration from resentment protecting you from feelings of sadness, grief, or disappointment? Are you holding on to a hope, an expectation, or a need that feels too precious to let go of? Or maybe old pain point and patterns are coming up. If it feels impossible to shift your expectations or to do things differently, seek professional help from a skilled counselor that can help you make sense of what’s happening and where you are feeling stuck.
Focus on your self-care
Stepmoms also have to get good at taking care of themselves. If they are doing so much to be available for their Stepfamily or trying to fix situations as to not disappoint anyone else, it will leave her feeling depleted. Make sure you are taking care of yourself and your own needs and remember you have permission to take a step back, to leave things to your husband, and to take care of yourself. In fact, that’s necessary for you to feel like you can show up the way you would like to in this role without feeling resentful. Working through resentment can be a complex process and finding a Stepmom Coach or Stepmom Therapist to help guide you along the way can help you move through these difficult feelings. Reach out today if you feel stuck or are ready to work through your feelings of resentment and want to see if Stepmom Coaching or Therapy for Stepmoms is right for you.
If you are looking for support and not quite ready to commit to working 1-1 and prefer self-paced resources, I will have a course on resentment for Stepmom’s coming out soon! Sign up to be the first to know.
Need support understanding your feelings of resentment and getting unstuck from them? Reach out today to set up your free 15 minute consultation to see if Stepmom Coaching or Therapy is right for you.