Letting Go of Control and Managing Expectations In Stepmotherhood

Learning to Let Go of Control

Being a Stepmom is the hardest role to have. Often, Stepmoms lack a sense of control in their roles, since the Stepmom role is poorly defined in society, which impacts her identity, sense of self, and her role in her Stepfamily. Feeling out of control can also signal something deeper going on for her emotionally, psychologically or in her relationships. She might be worried about uncertainty, what might happen if things don’t go as she envisioned, or it might bring up past experiences of unpredictability, betrayal, chaos, or over-functioning to manage her current environment. For some women, being in control gives them a sense of competence, value, and worth in their Stepfamily role.

How it shows up for Stepmoms:

She might find herself feeling like she needs to micromanage details, look for reassurance or double check, and/or need constant updates. She may also be rigid and inflexible with changes in plans and struggle with adjusting. She might also find herself catastrophizing (thinking worst case scenario) or fortune telling (predicting negative outcomes for the future).

 Some examples of not having control a Stepmom might experience in her Stepfamily are:

She doesn’t have a say in  the custody schedule that changes from time to time and feels overwhelmed and like things won’t be okay when it changes.

She feels left out, overwhelmed, and/or overstimulated when her Stepkids are home and this leaves her feeling dysregulated and irritable. 

Not feeling clear about what the expectations of her role are, leaving her confused and uncertain in different situations that she is in with her Stepfamily.

When a Stepmom feels Out of Control

She might experience feelings of uncertainty, unpredictability and notice an increase in overthinking, worry, and spiraling about “what if’s”. She might feel irritable, on edge, and an increased amount of stress. These situations might even produce feelings of shame and guilt from overreacting that create a continuous pattern of these behaviors. What situations in your role as a Stepmother leave you feeling out of control?

Managing Expectations are a big part of learning to let go of control. Stepmoms will want things to go a certain way in order to feel in control of an overwhelming feeling or in response to something in her environment. Expectations are the belief that something will or should go a certain way. They can also be unexpressed assumptions of how something will go. And as we know, life doesn’t always work out how we plan. Flexibility as a Stepmom is a helpful skill for her to practice in her emergence through Stepmotherhood.

How do you know it’s control and not just a normal way of being? When tension, worry, anticipation, guilt, resentment, frustration, and feeling on edge are a product of needing a certain outcome to happen or you aren’t okay are your indicators it might be time to seek extra help. Someone who also feels a need for control might experience chaos, uncertainty, irritability, and perfectionism, that things won’t be okay if they don’t go a specific way.

How does control show up for a Stepmom? There are many areas that a Stepmom might feel she needs a sense of control. It will show up in her relationship with her Stepkids, her husband, and even her own kids. It might surface when a Stepmom is a part of events or activities her Stepkids participate in or when the co-parent is around.

Understanding why you need a sense of control

When she feels dysregulated, panicked, and chaotic on the inside, she may start to look for a sense of control on the outside. It might be helpful to turn your attention inwards and check in with yourself. As yourself reflective questions like:

What areas of your Stepmotherhood role do you feel like you need control in? What would this do for you?

Does it show up when you are experiencing a particular feelings, like being left out or when you feel dysregulated by something that happened?

What are you needing right now to feel more regulated, grounded, and supported in this moment?

Seeking Safety

The need for control could be a form of seeking safety, certainty, and comfort when things feel out of order. A Stepmom might feel that she doesn’t have a sense of control internally, and search for a sense of control externally, in her environment. It also might be an indication that something deeper is going on for her, or old feelings might be resurfacing.

Reflecting on what a sense of control does for you

It’s helpful to reflect on questions like What does having a sense of control change for you?

Putting things into perspective

Ask yourself, will this matter in 5 days, 5 weeks, or 5 months? Putting the issue at hand into perspective and reminding yourself, you will in fact be okay, helps to lessen the affects of a situation or event. Sometimes our mind makes things a bigger deal than they are, because our brain’s job is to scope out threats and problem solve. So even though you aren’t being chased by a bear when you feel left out, overwhelmed, or out of control, your body might start to respond as if it is. 

Being okay internally, no matter what is happening on the outside

It’s important to remember, we aren’t really every in control. It’s more of a sense of perceived control. Ultimately, you can’t control the things outside of yourself, you can only control you own actions, behaviors, and responses. Being at peace with yourself will help you to not feel so easily activated by others or the events happening around you. 

Know what you have control of, click here to see the graphic of what is within your control.

Remember the things you DO have control of and focus your energy on these things to gain an internal sense of balance.

How to Release Control and Manage Expectations

Part of releasing control in knowing why you need control and what the expectations to seemingly have control does for you. Let’s take a look at managing expectations as a part of releasing control and regulating your internal discomfort.

Managing Expectations

It so important as a Stepmom that you are aware of the expectations you hold. It could be that you are holding on to things being a certain way because it makes you feel safe and in control and it ensures your needs get met. And as life is, things don’t always go according to plan. Having expectations can leave you feeling dissapointed and even resentful. So how does a Stepmom manage expectations?

First, notice that you have expectations for things to go a certain way. It might be helpful to also think about the why. Why is it so important for you for things to go this way? What part of you would feel let down/dissapointed/ resentful if it doesn’t? Is it reasonable to have these expectations? Is there a need you are looking to get met with this expectation? And how can you get this need met another way?

Skills to Practice:

Acceptance- acknowledge the difficult feelings that arise for you and accept the situation as it is. Allow the situation to be what it is.

Practice focusing your energy on the things that are within your control.

Put it into perspective- once you take a deep breath and calm yourself, is it really as big of a deal as it seems like in the moment? Will it matter a year from now? What would you tell a friend in this situation? Try and put the event into perspective, and remind yourself you will be okay through it all.

You can also download my Stepmom Self-Care Checklist to help find activities and strategies to help you self-regulate click here.

Having skills to use when you are feeling dysregulated, chaotic, or out of sorts is important. It’s okay if you don’t always get it right and remember it’s a practice. It’s the repetition that build the muscle of acceptance, reminding yourself you are safe, and releasing control. If it feels like it keeps coming up or you are feeling lost in how to cope, reach out to a professional to get extra support.

Have specific questions when it comes to coping with Stepmom life?  I would love to hear from you. Feel free to email what’s leaving you feeling out of control at thestepmomsocial@gmail.com. 

Want to understand your feelings better and how to accept the challenges of Stepmotherhood and feel empowered navigating through them? Reach out to set up your free 15 minute consultation to see if Stepmom Coaching is right for you.